December 2010
3 posts
I’m stoned.
I need to write this essay.
I really want to take pictures.
My Flickr is almost too full.
I want to order clothes.
I miss my Facebook.
I really fucking miss him. I don’t know what to do. But I’m pretty sure he actually will love me, and will be there in 2 years.
I Can't Get Away From You
Talked to him until 2 this morning. I just want it to go away.
But on the plus side, I was high and decided to put a single dread hidden in my hair. I have high hopes for this little strand.
And I think weed is getting to me, and turning me into a nature-loving hippy. I’ve been dying to climb mountains, have sex and smoke with a loved one, watching a fucking sunrise. It’s weirddd.
I'm Back.
I haven’t been on tumblr in forever, and I want to start writing my feelings out again. I’m still in love with the boy I used to write about. And he’s finally in love with me. No, I didn’t wait around, I saw men who I thought cared. But this guy has given up a lot for me. We still risk so much being together but I love him. I really do. I remember every detail of how we met...
September 2010
1 post
August 2009
3 posts
Today the storm gained speed over Norway lake and we raced back to the high school to pick up Jonny and Ryan. They weren’t ready. Rain screamed down from the heavens and body slammed the steel machinery. The sky was a gorgeous gray, black and white mixture. I reminded me of watercolors. And right near the telephone lines, there was a small but bold glow of light rose. The wind embraced us...
Another Person Dies.
It makes me appreicate life more. A childhood friend was murdered and no one told me until a few days ago. It was gang-related and happened back in Brockton. So, so sad. She was beautiful. It’s not right to live in such a hard place. I’m glad I got out, but you haven’t.
Standing on the 2 story deck of a rich man’s residence, I realize that life really is too short. The fog is so visible you can see it move in with a speed of high winds. Hundreds of people are lounging, climbing and tanning on the white hot sand. Life is too short to worry about failing romances and dwindling inspiration. I was reminded this again reading a National Geographic magazine where...
July 2009
10 posts
I Don't Want You To Go.
I don’t want to have to deal with more drama and more fighting then I all ready have to. I don’t want to miss you every fucking day again. I don’t want to have to just ‘deal’ with you leaving us. I don’t think it’s for the better.
“This is the story all about how my pulse got flipped turned upside down, Now...”
– EncyclopediaDramtica.
I Haven't Slept In 24 Hours.
I tried. I took sleeping pills as well. Nothing worked. All I could think about was this flashback I got today.
When I moved to Maine from Massachusetts, I only had to finish a month or so in 5th grade. I met a girl named Summer. We hit it off so well. She moved the following year, I think to Augusta or something, but I know we could’ve been best friends. I remember one time we were sitting...
5th
I got my fifth Polaroid camera today.
But Dad just HAD to expose it so the pictuers came out fucked.
It’s weird how I’m fascinated by the very extistence of you. I know I might get hurt. Shit, I will get hurt in this. But I’m risking it again. I’ve never in my life been afraid to be with someone. And I am with you. With your reputation and the age difference it’s way too much. But I love the things you’ve done so soon. Just holding my Dew and saying “Just...
“Aren’t you the stork?
Yes I am, baby.
Where’s my baby?...”
– Ryan when he talks to himself.
Vent. 2
I love comedy. Really, I do. But I can’t stand how black, yes this is about race for a sec, comedians blame everything on “the white man”. You’re in poverty and in the projects because you don’t have a good job and you’ve made bad choices. It’s not any white guy’s fault. Now, I’m not racist. However, it gets really old when other races and...
I need you know more than ever. I need this feeling to stop, but never stop. I hate feeling so vulnerable for you. I just want to give up on you, on everything. But I can’t. I can’t sleep at night because the walls close in on me and I have to sit up and check to see if I’m going crazy or not. This has to stop soon.
June 2009
21 posts
Well, Then.
I need to get some ass.
I sound like a whore, but I could give a shit.
It’s getting old.
I'm Leaving.
Going ‘home’. Also known as Hannah’s. Can’t fucking wait. But I lost my phone and it’s charger. Shit.
Is it just me, or does A.K.A. sound intimidating?
Billy Mays
andrewweaver:
is dead.
No fucking way!
Ryan just wished death upon him 2 days ago! Jesus.
All the icons are dying. Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays…What next? Mr. Rogers?
Wait.
Vent.
I can’t stand how my life just keeps getting fucked over everytime I get home. I got back in Maine, shit. About 2 hours ago? And all I’ve heard out of her mouth is how bad my grades were, how I swear too much, how I can’t date until I’m a motherfucking sophomore. And, I save the best for last, I need to start going to church again. Fuck THAT. I do not believe in God and...
I Wish You Would Migrate.
I wish that punk boys would come here. I’m so sick of poser, emo, skater-wannabes. I want a boy with gauges. I want a boy with long hair. I want a boy with Doc Martens. I want a boy with studded leather and an iPod full of amazing wonders. I want a boy I could just sit and laugh and smoke with. A boy that would accept my sense of humor, my over-drive sexuality, my ‘quirks’. A boy...
Ry-Guy
He’s growing up too fast, and now I know how he feels. I hit puberty way before he did. Like, seven years before he did. Seriously. I haven’t grown since I was about 11, and I’m 5”4’. So I got real big all of a sudden. He tried to protect me from all the boys, but he couldn’t. I thought it was so funny, that I’d always be taller than him. Now, all of a...
Things I Just Don't Get.
1. Shutter shades.
2. Wearing miniskirts and Uggs in Janurary.
3. Listening to everything MTV says is ‘cool’.
4. Being melodramatic.
5. Looking way too into things.
6. Highlights.
7. Coffee. Iced or hot.
8. Menthol smokes.
9. Sex with people you aren’t ‘with’.
10. Casual sex.
11. Anal sex.
12. Sex under the age of 15. Little sluts.
13. Promiscuity in...
So,
Apprently Michael Jackson is dead.
Despite all of the sexual “accusations” and whatnot, my heart goes out to his kids and family. He was young, but like Ryan said, “He was under a lot of stress.”
Wonder why.
Also, I heard Farrah Fawcet is dead as well. Jeez. Not good.
But I saw it comming for her. Sorry.
Kevin is so darm cute.
Even if he is a manwhore. :(
Thanks Economy!
My Dad got laid off today.
Inhale, exhale.
I hate Newports. But I’m saving my Marlboros.
The moon is playing hide and seek with me.
A car goes by and my ash drops.
Why are you upset if you don’t love me?
I can’t play these games. I won’t.
I’m not listening to you anymore.
You’re voice just drones on, and my emotion is absent.
I don’t care anymore. What happens, happens.
Inhale,...
I’m trying so hard to get over you, and it’s starting to finally seep in.
You’re hot, but not for me.
Plus, I smoked a lot. And saw dead kittens in someones freezer. Top that.
He's Great
Me: Hurting for a squirtin?
Dad: No. Moaning for a boning.
Last Night
Laying on my side with my head out the window. I watch the jigsaw sky bleed and run together. The glow of my Marlboro with the contrast of the 11:00 sky make me feel like I’m setting fire to a black hole. I love the head rush I get when I drag my ciggarette down to the filter. Ashes burn on myself and the window sill. Smoke is filling my room and I start to feel a bit paranoid. But not...
5:10
I just got home. The driver brought me to my house instead of Springers.
I lay out in my front lawn listening to the unevenly small traffic. I notice how saturated everything looks. To the white of my shirt, to the blue sky, to the green grass and the red-violet trees I lay behind. Bear runs over me and licks my face. I’m so happy for June.
I should probably call Dad.
May 2009
25 posts
I'll probably Give One To Hannah
I just found three other Polaroid cameras, plus the fourth I found today.
Fuck yes.
1. Polaroid One Step 600 (The one I got today)
2. Polaroid One Step Flash
3. Polaroid Impluse SE
4. Polaroid Spectra
I can’t help but feel inadequate. Apparently, there are four levels of girls.
1. Super Hot.
2. Hot.
3. Decent
4. Fuck that.
I don’t get it. Was this a personal attack, or another MTV inspired sociology theory? Is it just me? Because I don’t rock C sized breasts and have a face like a porn star, does that make me bad? I said it before, that I’d much rather have intelligence...
I’m never trusting anyone again. I feel like such a idiotic depressing douchebag, but I can’t help it. I hate guys. I swear to fucking Chrsit I’m going to turn lez. I’m so done. Never again will I trust Jonny. Never again will I trust Dustin. Never again will I trust Zack. Never again I will trust myself.
Nobody Said It Was Easy
I feel like my heart is a constant anxiety attack and clawing and peeling my veins to only burst from my torso. I’m dying. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I can’t. I hurt myself again, and I haven’t in so long. I don’t want to be this way again. I don’t want to become a new person. I want to be me. My heart is reeling. It won’t stop. You can’t...
Generous?
I felt generous today. Loving Jonny again. Buying myself drinks. Buying Autum whatever she wanted. I just want to be happy again. I don’t want this feeling of “fuck it” when I wake up, or purposely skipping my antidepressants. I want to be the best I can.
Hannah
I hate seeing you hurt. I hate seeing the physical emotion you portray because of these douchebag guys. I don’t see why you let people walk all over you, cheat on you and so many other things. You have so much value, I don’t see why you let people take advantage of that. I love you, seriously. You’re amazing, and you tell me the best advice I’ve ever heard. You’re...
Kori
I just talked to my first best friend ever. I haven’t talked to her in probably 7 months. How weird is it that you can just pick up a phone and feel like you guys just talked five minutes ago? I’ve known kori for 12 years, we lived next door to eachother, considered both sets of parents, our parents. I miss that I haven’t seen her in 3 years. I hate that. Tomorrow we’re...
I don’t care if it’s just me. I don’t need anymore fucking pressure. I’m not listening to anyone anymore. Everyone lets you down at some point. I’m sick of forgiving. I don’t need more parents or therapists or anything the fuck else. People need to stop telling me what to do and saying what I do is wrong, or bad or I can do better. I don’t give two shits....
In My Shoes.
What would you do in a situation where you know something and you want to tell someone, but you feel like it will cause them pain? I know I’m supposed to wait until they bring something like that up, or ask me, but it’s gnawing away inside. I want to speak up and say something, but I can’t ruin this. I’m sorry. I wish I could tell them that I care and that someone may hurt...
The Closest
Ryan and Kaitlyn did karate. I was the odd child, dark (both emotionally and physically) and artistic. I’m just like my Dad. He would take me a little ways out of Brockton to a dairy farm. People would always be there in the summer, but we always went in the fall. Carefully stepping over crumpled leaves, the aroma of the animals always shocked me. I would ignore any thought of getting fresh...